struggles

Tomorrow marks the start of the 4th week at work. So many things have been happening, and hence the 3-week hiatus.
Three concerts have passed - they were all good.
I forgot to attend my cohort’s Dinner and Dance.
I got my first paycheck (only half a month lah).
I got provided with office keys and a cell phone (bad signs =P).
I have been practising everyday since I started work (except for one day, and also tonight - which I’ve already convinced myself it will just earn me one more step toward the gates of hell).

Looking at blogs of cohort friends have made me wonder if starting work early was the right decision. I still think it is. Despite not having gone on a grad trip, I know I still wouldn’t bring myself to have gone with them. Too big a group lah. I still want to go Vietnam someday. Probably some weekend. By myself. Just run off for a while. Looking at it now, everyday is bringing me one step toward financial freedom and also getting that illusive bassoon.

This year marks the church’s 50th anniversary and they want a quartet. I still don’t see why all the pomp and frills are needed just because it’s a 50th anniversary. They want me to play cello. But I’m really really really really really reluctant about it. After the tryout run today at the Upper Room, I just sat there and cried. I have really lost touch with my cello. And even though 8 weeks is good enough for me to pick it back up for the concert, I only have so little time left after work each and every day, and time spent on the cello would mean compromising on time for bassoon. And already, I have to balance work, tuition, band practices and individual practice schedules.

They are pretty certain about not wanting to incorporate bassoon with the upper strings for the quartet. And the cell group’s advice was to respect the authority’s decision and not insist on using the bassoon to replace the cello. But both the CG and a friend of mine said I should learn how to say "No" if I really don’t want to play in it. That is something I am very bad at doing… saying "No". My argument for wanting to play is that musically doesn’t make sense for a quartet (or rather, a trio now) to go up without a bass line. And if by performance day, there is still no cellist, I would have to at least fill in right? It just doesn’t make sense!

Then again, it’s also not good to be reluctant to go up and play with the quartet. I just won’t do that either! The attitude is not right. It would be too ironic to have a string quartet worshipping God with their instruments and yet one player is just nothing but resentful. No. I can’t do that. I want to play because I’m worshipping God wholeheartedly, and not because I am required to play to fill in a part. The latest mission trip taught me that God can use your imperfections to glorify Him still. But when I feel so inadequate on the instrument, I really don’t want to have the struggle between having to give up precious weekday night times to practise so that I’m adequate enough, and that of playing simply because they need my instrument to be there. I want to go up with the right heart, if I do go up at all.

Which means either

(1) Say "Yes" and give up bassoon practice time to practise the cello - because I am doing it for God and I need to practise in order for the cello to sound presentable for the anniversary thingy.
or
(2) Say "No" and leave everything to God. Most probable thing I’ll do is to find a replacement, or fill in the bass line until the performance itself when I get a better player to come in and help out. But that would probably mean bringing in a non-church member and probably have to think about a token gift or sth.

But what I really feel like doing is
(3) Say "Yes" and just don’t compromise on bassoon practice time at all, and yet play with the quartet for the anniversary thingy. But that’s like giving to God a half-baked sacrifice. Like, a lamb of your flock that is somewhat precious to you but you can also do without.

Thank you CG, for letting me just cry and share with you my struggle. I know it seems selfish and really superficial compared to the struggles that some of you are going through right now but it’s a struggle nonetheless. I cannot bring myself to put myself in your shoes because it seems that I’m just not big enough to fill your shoes. Inside I’m crying so badly for you, because I think I can understand a little of the struggle you’re going through, but somehow I think it can never compare to what you are really going through. And from a super low-EQ girl like me, I feel lost at what I can do.

I cleared out my room at Hougang recently, and I discovered lots of little postcards and letters that we, as secondary school girls would write to each other. This was the time before SMS and facebook. It was so hard for me to put my feelings down to words, I remember. Or to know what to say to someone. I mean, I knew what I wanted to say, just that I didn’t know how to phrase it so that she’d get what I was trying to say. Sometimes, I’d just be misunderstood and have to explain myself. Gosh I hate that.

Right now, I just want to sleep. It’s past 10 and I’m tired from the crying bout I had this afternoon.

1st day at work

today was first day of work. after work still had to give tuition. better give it today and tmr (tues) before all the night rehearsals start pouring in.

thought it was quite relaxed today. could follow the email styles much better after last year’s exposure to it. am given the operations side to do now. seems pretty interesting. and safe. but yeah would love to see what the europe side is doing. seems like a lot of work is going on there. also, got two ships to literally "take care" of. yikes. perm staff status is much more serious than that of an intern’s! H made me feel as if i got all these responsibility and i’d be liable if anything happens, and i’m supposed to know these two vessels’ positions and updates super well. wah… slightly stress. intern life was pretty much stress-free… lol. oh well, more responsibility more liability but also more $ lol.

bought an eye mask (finally). slept so much better last night. but waking up is a rude shock. like going from total blackness to gleaming brightness.

managed to practise 1.5 hours. not much compared to my usual daily 3 - 3.5 hours but will have to do. i was so tired. had no time to eat after tuition and i think i focused on quality practice more than quality. i cannot imagine shifting back home where i don’t have a place to practice until midnight. cos i think ppl sleep quite early at hdbs.

i can’t wait for wed. it seems to take forever to come. at least i have vj reh then. got something to look forward to after work. =) but then oura is coming down for ntu prac. and i feel like going for ntu prac more cos of the friends and the supper and the friends. but i prefer the music at vj reh. not the players’ standard (ntu is better in that sense) but the sheet music, the score itself. i really hope the conductor doesn’t waste wind time on the strings this time round, esp after i b*tched abt it to him on sat. and i also hope D will be at the prac so that he can drive me back to the west. haha. and maybe then join the ntu ppl for supper. ok i better sleep it’s already 1.30am gosh. i need to find time to practise again tmr.

just a short update.

Just a short update. No time for long ones. I seem to update more during exams. Strange. Finally finished the exams. Finished FYP presentation. Yes I’m officially done with formal education. Bah. Can’t remember what I’ve learnt over these four years leh. Oh well…one group member flew back to the motherland yesterday. Another one flying off tmr. I’m starting work next week (if i sign the contract, and if they sign it too).

And i’ve been having a super busy busy busy schedule. 3 concerts end of may. RI String, VJC String, and BHSO. Do come for any if you can make it. Will publicise if i get any posters or what. Now my days are super duper packed. After work! Monday-vj reh; tues-tuition; wed-vj reh/ntusb/(nusso?-i’d get skinned alive if i go for this i know =p); thurs-tuition; fri-RI String; sat morn-vj, aft-ntusb, evening-SA alumni)… yeah suddenly I become RI, VJ and SA alumni. Quite happening.

Alright gotta sleep early for a lesson tmr. Wanted to take a break from long notes tonight cos tmr got early lesson… and roommate came back! wow God is awesome. He planned my timetable well.

But God, why did Myanmar get what it got? It’s quite sad. 22,000 dead and 41,000 missing! gosh.

awesome stuff.

awesome! those of you who are bored of life, feeling emo and just don’t feel like doing anything anymore… take a read here…

so after reading… go do something! stop wallowing in self-pity… learn a new language! pick up a new skill! hone your current ones.

Anw.. i found a pretty nice quote by Friedrich Nietzsche…

“The higher we soar, the smaller we appear to those who cannot fly.”

pretty true huh…

in any case, looks like rebelling against low expectations of the society is a movement iin itself now.
Do go to The Myth of Adolescence on therebelution.com

trying to collect thoughts.

i’d rather pay extra money to eat the most exquisite food or help cook/ donate food stocks to the poor

than to

dine at a fast food restaurant.

random photos from my phone

 Yup i got nothing else better to do.. No travel photos.
=((( That’s because I haven’t been travelling. Oh btw I was in U.S. and Japan again last night. So travel dream tally stands at: 

U.S. (3) - 2xNewYork, 1xCalifonia and 1xUnidentifiedState; Dubai (1); Iraq (1); Switzerland (1); Italy (1); Japan (4)

Yes I’m damn sad I know.

Anywhere here’re finally what’s related to this blog post title:

Lots of bottles found at the recycling area at my block! These are 1.5l bottles! I guess people staying at Hall 16 are so rich they don’t drink from the tap. Must have mineral water!  

Unidentified couple in front of me walking up the escalator. So sweet can the guy, still help his wife carry her bag at that age, despite it making him look at bit more "Aunty". =P 

My "baby brother" who’s always hungry. These two photos show him at our cousin’s wedding dinner. He’s the guy with his back facing us, hand outstretched towards the "snack bowls" located all over the room. In the second picture, he’s in the background. Yes, the food on the table was not enough for him. =P
    

next up… kids in Japan decorating the Christmas tree…taken in Japan last year.
 

Found these names outside the NIE lift. I’m too lazy to google. anyone care to update me on the link between "Dewey", "Piaget" and "Vygotsky" and who are these people?
 

Me preparing the "Fruit of the Spirit" diagram for Kindergarten Sunday School. Yes the Fruit of the Spirit is a bunch of Grapes! Didn’t you know that? That’s why Jesus said, "I am the vine and you are the branches. Those who abide in me will bear much fruit!" =P
   

some pictures of my Kindergarten Sunday School students. SOOOoooooOOO cute!!! little Max who is cute to the max (haha) and little Shalom who absolutely loves paint…
   

An emo scene encountered while out with an emo guy when taking an emo walk…
 

Saving the best for the last, my favourite Pooky Bear!
He was having so much fun at R.I.S.E. practice last night. He even hid on top of the bassoon bell… too bad I didn’t manage to get a picture of that…
Here’s Pooky trying to be a bassoon.
 

High-tech Pooky! Thanks J for teaching Pooky how to be tech-savvy!
 

Could have sworn the conductor’s looking right straight at this photo. >.<

Everybody needs a little bit of Pooky in their life…   

Pooky still trying to be a bassoon…
 

Why I need a huger pay packet. haha.

Wheeeeeeee the Korean foodstall at Canteen 13 has decided to raise its prices up to $4.90 for a Chicken Bulgogi set takeaway. That’s a MERE 34% increase in price. How the students rejoice.

Elsewhere…
Thai Express has also decided to increase its prices by abt $2 for the Prawn Omelette dish. Absolutely wonderful. Not only that, my tastebuds have also informed me that somehow the quality of the rice has changed. It tastes absolutely bland right now. How awesome.

I suspect the rice prices have everything to do with these Asian stall increasing prices. I’m glad I grew up on potatoes.

Not only that, I heard canes are also in short supply, which means less new reeds for me? What is up with the world??? There are too many people, and too few resources. We need to get rid of the old and sick people.

Oops did I just say that? Gosh I’m so terrible… See.. Such are the thoughts of the sinful man. Always selfish, always wanting. And that’s why Christ came down, for the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Against such things there is no law.

The passage before it says that the acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, SELFISH AMBITION, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like.

I guess I’ll be old someday.

freedom, or is it?

It’s 1pm and I’ve been at orchard starbucks for abt an hour now, just chatting online and sipping a caramel macchiato while waiting to go for a music lesson. Very soon I’ll have to say "Goodbye!" to this kind of lifestyle.

Yes! Sixteen long years of formal education has formally ended for me (well, with the exception of an oral presentation on the 5th of may) and I completed my last written paper of my life (or at least in the near forseeable future) yesterday. The emotion is bliss. It’s liberating. It’s exuberating. It’s monumental. It’s even better than what I felt after PSLE. It’s so overwhelming that I still haven’t grasped the extent of it.

But one day into liberation and already I’m feeling bored. Yes I need to work. I need to do something. I’m starting a perm job soon, and I’m hoping that I can incorporate my practice schedule into the work schedule. Yes that means less time for guys also. Oh well *sigh*. U-tubing takes a slightly higher priority now. And I still remember my mom asking "Why do you bother practising so much?" Well because I like it, and because I want to go against you for saying that statement (haha kidding.) Other industry people have their golf, I have something better, my music. It takes more dedication to hone such a skill. And the friends you make are genuine lovers of the same music-making process too.

ok it’s time i made a move and go for class. last night’s chilling out was awesome. thanks A and Z. i thought the second glass was really a bit sweet but i liked it. haha kept me happy for a while.

japan video

hey i did up a video for the Japan mission team that went in Dec’07.
It’s all footage from my vid cam when I had the opportunity to use it, so there isn’t any of us singing to the Japanese…

i can’t seem to upload it onto this blog column… so i’ll
post it on the right side ———————————–>

sure brings back memories. i don’t want to apologise for the unglam shots, cos it’ll sound insincere since i did put them up anyway. if I’m really sorry I wouldn’t have done so right? so instead, I’ll thank the team for letting me put up the unglam shots =P you guys are such blessings.

names

Some people give their instruments names. Some people give their teddy bears names. Some people give even their pencils and pens names! (Tell me if you actually do. I don’t know anyone yet but I’m guessing there are people like that out there…)

So I’m going to be part of "some people", and give the bassoon a name. Finally. It is now calllllleeeddd…          

*drum roll*…          

 "U-tube"!!!!

This is because the bassoon literally has a U-tube at the boot joint. And since I spend more time on it than other people do on Youtube (or rather, I should be doing so!), I figured I might as well have my own so as not to feel left out. Gives a whole new meaning to "What are you doing now?" "Oh I’m on U-tube" indeed, doesn’t it?

The sad thing, however, is that this is not going to be my permanent U-tube. This is because it belongs to the NTU Symphonic Band. It’s only a predecessor to the actual U-tube… so maybe I should think about calling it "T-tube" instead?… Because "T" comes before "U" in the alphabet… Hmmm… 

Well, at least this is a better name than the ones I gave my terrapins…

Right?