where are my wings?

ok i only have 300 to last me till the next payday. >.< somehow i feel i’m living more poorly working than when i was studying. no cut that out. i feel even worse. i’m actually experiencing two different kinds of standards. one’s when i go out to eat with the co. - for eg “way-beyond-my-pay food” and at the other extreme, instant noodles at home.

i’ve yet to get over the you’re-a-working-adult-now-so-please-settle-your-own-expenses. i still want my intermittent cab rides but it seems like i’ve got to cut down on this aspect. it’s just that i value my time sooooo much more than the money i’m paying for taking a 2-hr long bus ride. i want to do so many things!!! i can’t help it that i’m just multi talented. haha ok kidding. i’m actually very humble *GRINS*

already i don’t spend on clothes… and now i have this bsn loan to think abt… I DON’T WANT TO GROW UP! adult things should be left to adult ppl.

it’s not an easy transition i guess. i feel like i’m a caterpillar who’s barely just done with the process of metamorphosis and i’m just putting two legs out of my cocoon. i want to fly but i don’t know what’s outside.

work’s been a rollercoaster so far. sometimes i feel that it’s fun! i’m learning stuff, i’m actually getting a feel of what’s going on. i take note of more calculations and the aspects of it. i love the people there. i love the multicultural aspect of it. i love the office tables.

on the other hand i’m being kept away from anything else from 7am - 6pm FIVE DAYS a week! it’s something i’m totally not and still having trouble getting used to. and it’s work work work the whole day. there are sooooooooo many emails to handle. there’s no break. you have to learn to give yourself a break now and then. i realise that while the culture is laidback, i.e. you can leave as long as you finish your work. the thing is, there’s just so much work to be done. a classic catch 22 indeed.

another catch-22 is that of my current pay. these ppl can all afford to go out and have dinner/drink after work, whereas i’m still damn poor. but this might be a misconception: that in order for me to so-called riseupintheranks i should go out with them after work. but then again, i’ll surely go broke and i also treasure my after-work time a lot. i want to do other things still. but if i don’t spend time with them after work does that mean i’m not a good employee? sigh i hate thinking abt such things. i just want to be that girl with an ice-cream in her hand, sitting on the swing.

T ever asked before about the word “colleagues” - do you spend so much time with them everyday that you become good friends or do you spend so much time with them everyday that you just can’t bear to see them after work? i hope it’s the former indeed. in any case i simply feel that my current pay level does not justify my having to stay up beyond the unofficial office hours. i think i’ll stick to that. i have to draw a line somewhere. it’s a little disillusioning to see that sometimes what these ppl spend on, just a tiny fraction of it can help me a long way, but i still have to think abt getting a loan. *cries*

it’s all a cycle. spend more time with the co. get more money. use the money to spend with the co. on the co., as well as spend more time with the co. get more money. use the money to spend  with co., as well as spend more time with the co. it’s as good as going to work to earn money to buy dresses to wear to work so that you can earn money to buy dresses to wear to work. i think i’ve said this a million times in my posts already.

also, as a trainee, i feel like i’m not getting the training that i want. i guess i’m too used to being spoonfed (hey i’m Singaporean forgive me lah). i find that now more often than not, i have to look for my own work. i guess that is how it is, but i really don’t know how trainees should work, cos i have no one to model after, nor any peer to benchmark with. in that way i am a pioneer.

and i stil hate it that these people i.e. the colleagues are from elsewhere. no i don’t hate them. i hate myself for not travelling far enough. i’ve been stuck in this bloody country for 23 years. i want out. it’s been my dream since i saw a distance relative of mine at the airport leave to study overseas. i must have been abt 10 years old then. i’m looking forward to the 3-month training at the end of the year. it’s damn short lah but i guess i shouldn’t complain. i don’t even know if i’ll be going. not till i’m actually on the plane myself before i can believe it. i hate to count my chickens before they hatch. it just gives false hope and joy.

i realise the whole post above is abt satisfactions. i need to draw closer to Him to realise that my satisfactions have already been realised.

and as for the loan, so far EVERY single person who’s heard abt it says “No! Don’t do it!” What louder convictions from God can I get than that! Not even one positive response. Yet i’m still seated on the fence at the edge of the cliff, separating the mountain from the distant sea below, about to make my jump.

pleasant birthday weekend

the taiwan trip was tiring, with sightseeing and performances jammed-packed into two days. but my second night’s performance was awesome. started out with me finding my good reed. *PHEW* i had thought that the good reed was a bad one all along and didn’t touch it at all. irritating. but some sections didn’t the second night was good. oh well.

thailand was AWESOME. fantabuous. *muahz*-perfect! i had a gooooooooood time. awesome rooms. awesome view. first time doing facial and full-body massage. i’m not a massage person - very ticklish! but head and neck massage was very very good. i never felt so calm and relaxed before. and will thinking abt really random things when i was calm. very very nice.

it was sooooo nice. still reeling from the effects of it now but it’s back to reality in singapore. no more laid-back thai lifestyle or cute thai guys to look at. back to work. and back to dealing with stuff like this: (cut-and-past-ed-from-an-msn-convo)

taiwan birthday!

heee~ my second ever bday overseas. happy happy.

taiwan’s a pretty nice place. but i really need to know chinese to survive here. =((( i guess i’ll pick it up when (if) i stay here long enough.

the architecture’s really japanese. but the people remind me a lot of those from the hdb estates in singapore. never knew there were so many chinese people in the world. we’re in tainan, which is south of taiwan. so it’s pretty laidback, not like taipei city i think.

anw today’s concert didn’t go very well for me. my embouchure is just plain screwed up. i’ve been trying to change it for two weeks now. and it seems to be working (half-working actually - i’m in the midst of the change). i didn’t practise on mon and tues and today (wed) i just couldn’t use both the new and the old one. so basically my holding notes sounds like a beginner’s. i hate to use this an excuse as it makes me sound weak, but i think that that’s the case. so i shall have to live with it for now, despite also being in the midst of concerts. arrrgghhhh

damn. it.

but T says i should just stick with the new one and keep to it. hope tmr will be a better day. *crosses fingers* i should sleep soon. tmr’s a long day and i haven’t packed yet.

ohhh and my reeds kinda suck. the good one back in singapore is SUPER DUPER reedy blasty now. i don’t know why… and i hope it will change back when i get back =((((( i don’t know if it’s the humidity, the altitude or just cos i’ve not practised for two days that causes the reed to be like that. so now i’m using an old and very hard reed, which makes my lips tire easily. then again the tiring of my lips could be cos of the changing of embouchure. but again these could be excuses and i’m a person who hate excuses.

argh.

happy birthday to me once again. hope tmr’s concert will be better.

it’s time to go

this next ntusb concert will be the last one that i’m regularly attending wed practice for. it’s just one of the strings i have to let go. so that i won’t compromise on work so much. besides, i’d much rather practise at home, individually. i would definitely get so much more things worked on.

but the past four years have been a good four years for me. the ties that i’ve built are going to stay with me for a long long time. i’ve also learnt a lot related to band music. i guess i’m just playing the wrong instrument for a wind band. there are a handful of wind pieces that are challenging for my instrument surely, but most of it is still bomchatchat for me. and ntusb was not really a place for my instrument. however, i’m glad i had the opportunity to also take part in other bands like nie, where i had more challenging parts. and also, now currently the bda band (albeit ad hoc - and albeit with most of the repertoire still bomchatchat.)

also, to be fair to ntusb, it’s not really bomchatchat pieces all the way??? it’s just most of the time - 90% - it’s always bassoon sharing parts with either eupho, trombone, bass clar or bari sax or sax, such that it just always gets hidden. so even if it’s a running or melodic passage, i just hide lor. but to be fair, if i didn’t join ntusb, or any band for that matter, i wouldn’t have understood bassoon playing, and the confidence gained.

not to worry though, i’ll stay for sat practices till wmc at least. so that the lower winds’ part can be gao-dimmed. meanwhile i’m looking forward to freeing up my wed nights so that i can do individual practice, not be tied up with having to cab down (30 freaking dollars) to ntu after work and i can stay in the office a little later. i’ll also at least continue to play for their concerts. just turn up last few practices can le. unless they are playing really difficult pieces. but i forsee more bomchatchat for now.

meanwhile there are other musical groups i’m looking forward to indeed. one of which is the OMM. although i’m most likely the oldest there, i think it’s still quite fun leh. more cohesive than the sunday orchestra.

p-winds are having an audition soon. for all instrumentation. but they already have 2 zai bsnists. i don’t understand why they are having audition. it’s either i go and try to join and if i get in i can learn from the 2. or i join only to realise they’re leaving that’s why it’s audition for all instrumentation then it defeats the purpose of me joining to learn from better players. i think i’ll just work on my sound/technique individually for the time being.

i guess while i’ve learnt to appreciate band music, with most of the influence coming from anneson’s car, i realise that while the pieces may sound nice, hmmmmmmm my parts are just so boring! i guess my early orchestral influences still stay with me very very much, but i’m glad i have embraced both genres, and will continue to do so.

tmr is the 12th week of work. i’m indeed starting to get into the flow of things, what with having to change department and all. but i really do need a break. just to get away from it all, and to think abt what i want to do with my life. how i’m going to approach it, and how i really should. first off, tmr i’m going to give up comfort for time. i’m not going to take the bus but the train. the marginal cost of comfort now is higher than the marginal benefit of spending the time travelling to do something else. let’s see how it goes.

finally a post in a long long time

ahhh finally a post worthy enough to fit into my ever-so-busy schedule.

today’s concert was bittersweet! it’s the first in a long long time since i felt this way, that is, unsure and nervous and super insecure. we played Appalachian Spring - which was originally composed to have nothing to do with the Appalachian imagery or Spring for that matter.

anyway, we played the original version, i.e. scored for 13 instruments. so literally everyone was a soloist. and every part was just as important, to bring out the colour of the piece…

mind you, it is not an easy piece, and that could again, be an excuse in itself. i could have given twenty thousand other excuses - it was a bad reed day…i’m still changing my embouchure… i’m also trying out new fingerings… but no matter what, a performance is still a performance, and an excuse still an excuse. just like what was preached last sunday; no matter a bad excuse or a good excuse, an excuse is still an excuse. so basically performances should be flawless and there should be no excuses. if you don’t get it right, it means that you didn’t practise it enough.

but yeah mistakes are made nonetheless. and there’s no point crying over spilled milk. just don’t spill the milk next time. if there’s a next time.

but this concert is really different, the last time i felt so insecure was the wmc competition, where i really couldn’t play a single note on my instrument. this time round, it’s the nature of the piece. it’s moved me away from my comfort zone of bom-chat-chat band pieces, and super harmonic orchestral pieces, to a more disjunct style of blending in. the colours created are just too bright…

but it’s a really nice piece. and i must say that, in the many times i’ve heard it on my mp3 player and during rehearsals, each time i hear something new, something different. which is realy cool. and it’s this playing with my hearing that causes me to sometimes lose focus, esp during rehearsals when i don’t come in cos i’m listening too much, and not paying attention to my score. and then i hear a somewhat empty-sounding portion, and think to myself, “isn’t someone supposed to come in here???” and then i realise “oh shit it’s me!”… yeah bimbo moment…

concert went ok, it wasn’t perfect.. i’d give myself a just passed. but the thing i really have to blog abt is that at the parts where i usually screw up, i didn’t. and the parts where i usually don’t, i did. call it as R says, Murphy’s law, but i choose to think otherwise. I knew where the parts were that i usually screwed up, and as i approached, i prayed as i played. literally. telling God to put me through this passage, put me through this passage, and everything indeed went smoothly. it felt as if i were riding on the wings of an eagle… however, the parts where i felt the most confident, i just totally *whammed* it. i even forgot a fingering for an impt note!!! *slaps myself*. this evening really helped to increase my faith. it was pretty surreal, cos i was having even the slightest doubt as i approached the passages where i usually screw up, but just before i play it, i’m like, ok God, i’m just depending on you. only on you all for you, and it flows past like a stream of water. but the moment i had a little self-pride like “oh i hope so-and-so is impressed by my playing” *WHAM* someone throws a rock into that stream of water…and i just tumble..

nonetheless i had fun learning this piece… and also it was a pleasure to be under Dr. Joyce Koh she has such a bubbly and sweet personality. oh well im sure going to miss playing this piece. 4 practices are surely not enough, but again that’s another excuse i shouldn’t be making. if i didn’t make it, it means i’m lousy and lazy, and oh well get over it. there’s no way to go but up.

so hair-ppening lah

my hairdresser scolded me for putting on weight!!!!!
=(((((
he also nagged at me to exercise more… die le…

actually i also think it’s time i start doing so. cos now that i’ve built up my air from zero to 20%…i can’t seem to go any further no matter even if i’m practising everyday. i think i need to be fitter physically in order to improve my air/lung capacity…

so……… I’M GONNA START AN EXERCISE REGIME!!!! probably have to be at night lor. since day is taken up by everything else. tmr i’m bringing back my bike. *gives determined look*

and it so doesn’t help that there are LOTS of snacks in my office. i’m literally eating the ENTIRE day. munch munch munch munch munch. be it to keep myself awake or simply that the snack is very addictive, i’m always snacking, so that’s why i’m declaring tomorrow “No Snack For Emerald In The Office Day”. hope i can keep to my resolution. *prays hard*

then….you know now i’ve got this fringe.. my hairdresser said it was smart of me to cut a fringe so that i can hide my eyebrows. cos he commented that my eyebrows were “disgusting” and scolded me again for not trimming them. WAH! like that also can scold! haha.. so he happened to have his blade and he took it out and trimmed for me. >.<

it feels a little “naked” now… i like my eyebrows untrimmed..but oh well for the sake of “beauty”. but he was really nice abt it… didn’t charge me extra and even stayed OT to do that bit of trimming. i guess he really cannot stand it until a certain point le.

this guy’s really not bad. i’d recommend him to any of my friends. girls though. i’ve never seen him do a cut on a guy friend yet. any virgin takers? he’s really good so far. but i realises he does very good asian cuts… i don’t think ang moh can but their hair under him. haha.

oh and tmr is cannot-play-instrument-cos-going-to-teach-piano-in-the-west-so-i-have-no-time-to-practise-day. sigh. i predict a moody me tmr.

switch

the switch from student life to working life is certainly not easy. in many many many aspects.

(1) time issue - having to change sleeping hours from 0500-1400 to 0030-0715 is not easy. but i’m on my way to adjusting to that. and am actually getting better at it and fine with it.

(2) home issue - i’m no longer living by myself, and i really like this change now. what with the room that has been given a makeover. it’s so much more live-able now.

(3) travelling issue - THIS is the issue that caused me to cry when I came back from work just now. I have a direct bus home from my office. And that, is really convenient, cos I get a seat, and I can sleep on the bus. BUT IT’S SO IRRITATING WHEN THE BUS IS SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO SLOW!

I was hoping to get back within 1.5 hours. but the bus was soooooooooooooooooooooooo slow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I could have sworn it was going abt 30-40 km/h ON the EMPTY bus-lane. ARRRGGHHHH freaking irritating. thank God I was sleeping for the first HOUR of my journey. So i was oblivious to anything. But when I woke up I was still abt 45 minutes away from home!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! goodness.

And I could have sworn abt FIVE other SBS buses passed the 70 I was on. I AM SO DISAPPOINTED. And when I saw the 43 overtake the bus, I quickly jumped out of the bus, hoping to catch it so I can reach home more quickly. I missed it and cabbed back eventually, but that’s not the point. the moment i got out of the 70 and in vain, missed the 43 and jumped into a cab, I SAW TWO OTHER 70s behind.

IF THAT’S NOT FRUSTRATING i wonder what is. I AM SOOOO SOOOO DISAPPOINTED WITH THE SERVICE.

but i don’t think it’ll stop me from taking the bus back home anyhow. I just have to hope and pray and wish that the bus i’m on is NOT slow.

i’d still rather sit on a bus than a train, cos at least at any one time you’re surrounded by the most 5 other smelly ppl if you’re seated on a bus, whereas on a train, you may be squeezed into a carriage and stuck in the middle of 20 smelly people. (i’ve been so tempted to just take out my perfume and spray people okaaaayyy) and not only that, most likely some person will stand in front of me if I do get a seat on the train, and give me a HUGE dilemma as to whether she’s fat or pregnant. SIGH.

I miss the convenience of hall to school. for the past 4 years i never had to travel so much. 5 minutes to class compared to 2 hours ONE DIRECTION to work (that’s FOUR FREAKING HOURS IN TOTAL). it’s such a waste of time!!!!!!!!! i really just reached home and bawled abt the bus driver to my mom. never got so frustrated in a long long long long time.

i think eventually one day i’ll be tempted to just book a hotel room for one night at M hotel. but that’s kinda pointless don’t you think? it’s like buying clothes to wear to work so that i can earn more money to buy clothes to wear to work so that i can earn more money to buy clothes to wear to work so that i can earn blah blah blah.

except now i’d be working so that i can have money to stay in a hotel room near the workplace so that i can go to work so that i can have money to stay in a hotel room near the workplace so that i can go to…aaaahhhh shaddup emerald.

sometimes i really do think taking the cab will save me from all these emotional and mental stress and anguish. but sorry i can’t afford it right now. which leads me to the next issue…

(4) money issue - i feel poorer even though i’m earning. like really.

thank God i don’t spend much on clothes. the bulk of it goes to music, cab and food. thank God i don’t watch movies too. but really…………………………………………..looks like i’ve gotta have to keep my current office wardrobe of Mon Tues Wed Thurs wear for a long long time to come. cross my fingers and hope i get a wardrobe allowance. >.<

thank God for the 1.5 hours with bassoon. i am now officially sane again.

p.s. i think i was really going crazy just now, muttering to myself during the short cab ride home.

appalachian woes

maybe just a little break?

dates

i never had to look at dates as a student. now dates are an essential part of my life. i know my dates in the office, but once i end work i totally forget what the date is today. i need to internalise it!!!