where are my wings?

ok i only have 300 to last me till the next payday. >.< somehow i feel i’m living more poorly working than when i was studying. no cut that out. i feel even worse. i’m actually experiencing two different kinds of standards. one’s when i go out to eat with the co. - for eg “way-beyond-my-pay food” and at the other extreme, instant noodles at home.

i’ve yet to get over the you’re-a-working-adult-now-so-please-settle-your-own-expenses. i still want my intermittent cab rides but it seems like i’ve got to cut down on this aspect. it’s just that i value my time sooooo much more than the money i’m paying for taking a 2-hr long bus ride. i want to do so many things!!! i can’t help it that i’m just multi talented. haha ok kidding. i’m actually very humble *GRINS*

already i don’t spend on clothes… and now i have this bsn loan to think abt… I DON’T WANT TO GROW UP! adult things should be left to adult ppl.

it’s not an easy transition i guess. i feel like i’m a caterpillar who’s barely just done with the process of metamorphosis and i’m just putting two legs out of my cocoon. i want to fly but i don’t know what’s outside.

work’s been a rollercoaster so far. sometimes i feel that it’s fun! i’m learning stuff, i’m actually getting a feel of what’s going on. i take note of more calculations and the aspects of it. i love the people there. i love the multicultural aspect of it. i love the office tables.

on the other hand i’m being kept away from anything else from 7am - 6pm FIVE DAYS a week! it’s something i’m totally not and still having trouble getting used to. and it’s work work work the whole day. there are sooooooooo many emails to handle. there’s no break. you have to learn to give yourself a break now and then. i realise that while the culture is laidback, i.e. you can leave as long as you finish your work. the thing is, there’s just so much work to be done. a classic catch 22 indeed.

another catch-22 is that of my current pay. these ppl can all afford to go out and have dinner/drink after work, whereas i’m still damn poor. but this might be a misconception: that in order for me to so-called riseupintheranks i should go out with them after work. but then again, i’ll surely go broke and i also treasure my after-work time a lot. i want to do other things still. but if i don’t spend time with them after work does that mean i’m not a good employee? sigh i hate thinking abt such things. i just want to be that girl with an ice-cream in her hand, sitting on the swing.

T ever asked before about the word “colleagues” - do you spend so much time with them everyday that you become good friends or do you spend so much time with them everyday that you just can’t bear to see them after work? i hope it’s the former indeed. in any case i simply feel that my current pay level does not justify my having to stay up beyond the unofficial office hours. i think i’ll stick to that. i have to draw a line somewhere. it’s a little disillusioning to see that sometimes what these ppl spend on, just a tiny fraction of it can help me a long way, but i still have to think abt getting a loan. *cries*

it’s all a cycle. spend more time with the co. get more money. use the money to spend with the co. on the co., as well as spend more time with the co. get more money. use the money to spend  with co., as well as spend more time with the co. it’s as good as going to work to earn money to buy dresses to wear to work so that you can earn money to buy dresses to wear to work. i think i’ve said this a million times in my posts already.

also, as a trainee, i feel like i’m not getting the training that i want. i guess i’m too used to being spoonfed (hey i’m Singaporean forgive me lah). i find that now more often than not, i have to look for my own work. i guess that is how it is, but i really don’t know how trainees should work, cos i have no one to model after, nor any peer to benchmark with. in that way i am a pioneer.

and i stil hate it that these people i.e. the colleagues are from elsewhere. no i don’t hate them. i hate myself for not travelling far enough. i’ve been stuck in this bloody country for 23 years. i want out. it’s been my dream since i saw a distance relative of mine at the airport leave to study overseas. i must have been abt 10 years old then. i’m looking forward to the 3-month training at the end of the year. it’s damn short lah but i guess i shouldn’t complain. i don’t even know if i’ll be going. not till i’m actually on the plane myself before i can believe it. i hate to count my chickens before they hatch. it just gives false hope and joy.

i realise the whole post above is abt satisfactions. i need to draw closer to Him to realise that my satisfactions have already been realised.

and as for the loan, so far EVERY single person who’s heard abt it says “No! Don’t do it!” What louder convictions from God can I get than that! Not even one positive response. Yet i’m still seated on the fence at the edge of the cliff, separating the mountain from the distant sea below, about to make my jump.