struggles

Tomorrow marks the start of the 4th week at work. So many things have been happening, and hence the 3-week hiatus.
Three concerts have passed - they were all good.
I forgot to attend my cohort’s Dinner and Dance.
I got my first paycheck (only half a month lah).
I got provided with office keys and a cell phone (bad signs =P).
I have been practising everyday since I started work (except for one day, and also tonight - which I’ve already convinced myself it will just earn me one more step toward the gates of hell).

Looking at blogs of cohort friends have made me wonder if starting work early was the right decision. I still think it is. Despite not having gone on a grad trip, I know I still wouldn’t bring myself to have gone with them. Too big a group lah. I still want to go Vietnam someday. Probably some weekend. By myself. Just run off for a while. Looking at it now, everyday is bringing me one step toward financial freedom and also getting that illusive bassoon.

This year marks the church’s 50th anniversary and they want a quartet. I still don’t see why all the pomp and frills are needed just because it’s a 50th anniversary. They want me to play cello. But I’m really really really really really reluctant about it. After the tryout run today at the Upper Room, I just sat there and cried. I have really lost touch with my cello. And even though 8 weeks is good enough for me to pick it back up for the concert, I only have so little time left after work each and every day, and time spent on the cello would mean compromising on time for bassoon. And already, I have to balance work, tuition, band practices and individual practice schedules.

They are pretty certain about not wanting to incorporate bassoon with the upper strings for the quartet. And the cell group’s advice was to respect the authority’s decision and not insist on using the bassoon to replace the cello. But both the CG and a friend of mine said I should learn how to say "No" if I really don’t want to play in it. That is something I am very bad at doing… saying "No". My argument for wanting to play is that musically doesn’t make sense for a quartet (or rather, a trio now) to go up without a bass line. And if by performance day, there is still no cellist, I would have to at least fill in right? It just doesn’t make sense!

Then again, it’s also not good to be reluctant to go up and play with the quartet. I just won’t do that either! The attitude is not right. It would be too ironic to have a string quartet worshipping God with their instruments and yet one player is just nothing but resentful. No. I can’t do that. I want to play because I’m worshipping God wholeheartedly, and not because I am required to play to fill in a part. The latest mission trip taught me that God can use your imperfections to glorify Him still. But when I feel so inadequate on the instrument, I really don’t want to have the struggle between having to give up precious weekday night times to practise so that I’m adequate enough, and that of playing simply because they need my instrument to be there. I want to go up with the right heart, if I do go up at all.

Which means either

(1) Say "Yes" and give up bassoon practice time to practise the cello - because I am doing it for God and I need to practise in order for the cello to sound presentable for the anniversary thingy.
or
(2) Say "No" and leave everything to God. Most probable thing I’ll do is to find a replacement, or fill in the bass line until the performance itself when I get a better player to come in and help out. But that would probably mean bringing in a non-church member and probably have to think about a token gift or sth.

But what I really feel like doing is
(3) Say "Yes" and just don’t compromise on bassoon practice time at all, and yet play with the quartet for the anniversary thingy. But that’s like giving to God a half-baked sacrifice. Like, a lamb of your flock that is somewhat precious to you but you can also do without.

Thank you CG, for letting me just cry and share with you my struggle. I know it seems selfish and really superficial compared to the struggles that some of you are going through right now but it’s a struggle nonetheless. I cannot bring myself to put myself in your shoes because it seems that I’m just not big enough to fill your shoes. Inside I’m crying so badly for you, because I think I can understand a little of the struggle you’re going through, but somehow I think it can never compare to what you are really going through. And from a super low-EQ girl like me, I feel lost at what I can do.

I cleared out my room at Hougang recently, and I discovered lots of little postcards and letters that we, as secondary school girls would write to each other. This was the time before SMS and facebook. It was so hard for me to put my feelings down to words, I remember. Or to know what to say to someone. I mean, I knew what I wanted to say, just that I didn’t know how to phrase it so that she’d get what I was trying to say. Sometimes, I’d just be misunderstood and have to explain myself. Gosh I hate that.

Right now, I just want to sleep. It’s past 10 and I’m tired from the crying bout I had this afternoon.